Oodles of Noodles

Sex, drugs, and rock ‘n roll. Beer, hotdogs, and baseball. Anorexia, botox, and celebutantes. Rain, trees, and Pike’s. Sun, surf, and pier jumping. So they don’t all quite have the same ring as the first one. All true though, right?
So some little girls came to my doorstep tonight and asked me to come to their church. I should have invited them to the mall. Near the end of the conversation one little girl asked if she could ask me one more question, then proceeded with “If you died right now, would you go to heaven?” She had the most serious look on her face. She could have killed me right there, I thought she might, and that would be the most memorable look one anyone’s face I’d ever seen. She was more serious than my mom was when I was 5 and she told me she was going to pull the car over and beat the shit out of me if I didn’t quit hitting my brother. This girl was half my age already had more serious thoughts going through her head than I do at 22. She wanted an answer, but I didn’t have one. All I could think in my head was “Tell her your Catholic, that always scares the Mormons away!” I didn’t though, I just said “I don’t know,” and stared blankly back at her. Then before I knew it I was saying the prayer that Baptists use to “save” the members of their church. I got tricked into being saved by a 12-year old Baptist girl at my own doorstep. I don’t mind praying with other people, even people of other religions, I just think that she should have told me what the prayer was for before I proceeded. I do believe the things that I said and meant them with my heart, but I’m still one of those crazy Catholics who would like to take over the world with our greed and child-molesting priests. You better know it! Million dollar idea right here: Catholics take buckets of water door to door and pull the same stunt as the Baptist girl did only at the end the Catholic throws holy water at the unsuspecting Methodist at the door. That would make a good comic strip too, write that down! Bye.