Filed under: Uncategorized
It took me a second to catch myself mouthing the words as I waited for my coffee. “It’s not that we’re scared, it’s just that it’s delicate.” My eyes started to well up and I wasn’t sure why. Then I leaned my head against the window in Starbucks and it came rushing back. A year ago, if I were listening to this song that would mean I was on a bus back to my site in Peru. I stood there for a moment in a daze, finally realizing I’d been staring at my coffee that was ready on the counter for nearly a minute as the song played. I cried to that song for nearly 5 months straight. It wasn’t even just that song, it was the whole album and it would play twice before I fell asleep and I would cry until I was asleep, then I would be woken up and back to that place, that place I hated. And I’m crying now, uncontrollably.
Filed under: Random Thought
I don’t want what I want to want. I want to want, long for, but I don’t. I’ve tried to force it and wait for it, but still nothing. It’s ok with me though because I don’t want it. You want me to have it, but I think I’m better off without it. For some reason I still want to want it, even though I don’t want it. I don’t want to need someone to make me feel whole. I don’t want to value someone more than I value myself and my own opinions and ideas. I don’t want to need someone to support me through thick and thin. I want to be strong enough to get myself through tough times. I don’t want someone to need me to make them feel complete. I don’t want to be someone’s crutch. I don’t want to not want kids. I don’t want to feel bad for not wanting what I feel like I should want. I don’t want what you want and have. I want everything, anything, else.
Filed under: Random Thought
You don’t know me. You think you do, but you’re clearly wrong. They know me, he knows me, she knows me, and she definitely knows me, but you just characterize me. I told you who I am, but you formed your own opinion. I lie to you. I make up stories because you get excited over them. I lie to you about where I’ve been, who I was with, and what we were and weren’t doing. I don’t really like you, I just keep you around to boost my ego. Can you guess who you are?
Filed under: What to do...What to do...
Day after day it rains, it pours. Then it sleets, it snows, it melts and freezes to ice. Early to rise, it’s 3:30. I can’t get back to sleep, I shouldn’t get back to sleep. I rise and MSNBC fills the room: oil’s down, Google’s up, Merril is another story. The tea kettle whistles and I make a cup of instant latte. There’s nothing tasty about it, but it gets the job done. My closet chews me up, then spits me out the front door. After an hour long commute, I take a walk through the parking lot before climing into the comfy chair of my office. It better be comfy, I’m going to be camped out there for the next 8 to 11 hours. My job takes it’s toll on me, then I leave it behind and make that same commute home, only it takes half as long because traffic has calmed. I walk my dog, have a cup of tea while taking a second to study, then I melt into my mattress. Tomorrow will be the same, but not for long. It’s temporary, much like the rest of my life.
Filed under: What to do...What to do...
And that’s why we make a good you and me.
What comes out of his mouth is always a surprise. You know how some people are predictably funny? Before they even say a word you know what track their mind is on. You know, that one track. He’s not like that, he’s diversely funny. He can be gross-funny, goofy-funny, sarcastic-funny, discretly funny; You never know where his head is.
The big surprise came when he asked me to go to Dallas with him for a training group hosted by one of our clients. I was shocked, but quickly and calmly agreed to attend. He said it would be just the two of us for seven days. I was beyond ecstatic. I couldn’t stop thinking of how to finally “seal the deal” on this trip. I bought new clothes and lingerie, new make-up and perfume. This was my chance to hook ‘em and reel ‘em in. I was literally going crazy. I called my best friend, two days prior to leaving, and hashed out a plan with her. She thought I was insane and called me a homewrecker countless times, but I just kept thinking of how I was going to finally make him mine. I was dillusional and starting to freak myself out.
When it finally came down to it, I couldn’t do it. We were alone for an entire week, but didn’t have the guts to make a move even one time. I think that in the back of my mind I was the shame I knew I would feel if I actually succeeded and tore his family apart to get what I wanted. It wasn’t even what I wanted anymore, it was what I needed so very badly.
Filed under: Random Thought
Is it too late to remind you of how we were? I should have stopped you from walking out that door.
Dilemma: I can’t stop, it feels too right. I know he wants it too, but his wife might have something to say about how we make our memories together.
I’m breaking my own rules: Do what you want, when you want and how you want, as long as you don’t hurt anyone. I’m definitely hurting his wife, she just doesn’t know yet.
The way it all started is a he-said-she-said matrix of truth and lies that even Keanu Reeves can’t figure out. One thing’s true though, IT HAPPENED. I’ll deny it to save face. He’ll deny it to save me. And she’ll deny it to save Max. Max will deny it when he’s sixteen and doesn’t understand why everyone else’s mom doesn’t have their own bedroom.
Filed under: Uncategorized
So I was writing a few days ago and something happend that made 40 minutes of work just disappear. So then I was pissed and stepped away from the computer before I beat it with my bare hands.
I’m amped about my trip to Oklahoma next month. I miss my girls!
I took too many steps and ended up back tracking, only to still feel him right behind me. Then his hand grazed the inside of my arm from elbow to wrist before our fingers interlocked. He gave my hand a gentle squeeze, then lifted it to his mouth and kissed my thumb. I turned and just stared at him, only half aware of my surroundings, as tears began to trickle down my face. He wiped them away with his sleeve and kissed me on the forehead.
“You should get some rest,” I whispered to him, in an attempt to make it clear he should leave.
“I’m not going anywhere until we talk about what happened and decide how to make this work.” He said it with his eyes closed, like it was a wish. I could feel the remorse in his voice. He was remorseful for being caught though, not for what he had done.
I just stared at him blankly. I didn’t know what to feel, forget about what to say. I loved this man that I thought I knew and he turned out to be someone else. He turned out to be someone I hate. He turned out to be you. I hate you. If only I could verbalize those thoughts. If only I could say or do something, anything, besides cry and whimper. Right then, I couldn’t deal with looking at his face and had to leave the room. I shut the door behind me and walked down the hall to Maxwell’s room. Of course he was sleeping, so I quietly shut the door and sunk deep into our story chair. Watching his little face twitch as he slept, I could tell he was in Dreamland. Then his eyes opened wide and he sprung up from under the covers, “Mommy, can we play cars?”
Filed under: A Memory
It wasn’t until I was half way through my 32nd year of life, that I realized I had finally become the person I’d always wanted. I had just finished putting my sons, Kale and Maxwell, to bed and I was double checking the locks before setting the alarm. As my husband walked out of the kitchen with a fresh bowl of popcorn for us to share while we watched our Tuesday night show he said, “Honey, I think I forgot to tell you this morning that I love you.” He jammed a handful of popcorn in his mouth and smiled as he crunched. I smiled back as I told him that I loved him too and, still crunching away, he leaned over and kissed me. Right then I had one of those moments. You know when you’re doing something and it just feels so right, like you always knew you were going to be there and then you got there and you just have this moment where you feel like everything is exactly as it’s supposed to be. That was one of those moments. I love those moments.
I love when she tells me little stories like that. It’s like a snippet of a diffent life than you imagine a person really leads.
Filed under: What to do...What to do...
And big girls don’t cry…
No cell phone service? No hard line, no internet, no nothing… What the heck am I going to do for the next three days? Hmmmm…I could hang out, take a nap in a hammock, go fishing, build a fire, take a hike, play fetch w/my dog, drink some beer, go swimming, play horseshoes, play foosball, play pool, sing on the stage, read, mellow out, lay in the grass and think, fly a kite, walk around the lake, go out in a canoe or paddle boat, introduce myself to new people, the list goes on and on. It turned out there was a lot to do. It was great. It was the first time since I left Peru that I felt like I didn’t have somewhere to be or someone to crosscheck schedules with. I didn’t have any plans to do anything. The best part was that I got to hang out with my favorite uncle and just get to know him better. Turns out he’s exactly who I always thought he was. That’s good to know because that’s exactly why he’s my fave. My batteries are officially recharged and I’m ready for the work week. Chao for now…
Filed under: Random Thought
You got those Jimmy Choo’s…You know when you meet someone and you just fit together? You just immediately click and know that you’re going to be friends for a long time to come. You can talk about anything, or nothing, and be completely comfortable in each other’s presence. There’s not tension or awkwardness between you, even when it’s silent. You know how that does not ever last? Eventually, they’re going to say or do something that shatters your image of them and nothing they say or do after that can fix what’s been done. Then you find yourself arguing with them or just completely avoiding them because they get on your nerves now. I don’t ever want that to happen with us. I want what we have to keep growing and as it grows, we in turn grow closer to each other. It surprises me everyday how much more we let each other in to our private lives. We’ll see where it goes, but just for now I’m enjoying our time together and anticipating the next…
